The Moment My Diet Pill Addiction Ended

I’m 22 years old and 2 years into therapy for an eating disorder. 40 pounds heavier, living in a shame cave and hiding in baggy jeans and t-shirts. Gone are the days of obsessive calorie counting calories and cucumber only lunches, yet I still struggled with food and diet pill addiction. The war against my body raged on.

It’s the Summer of 2004 having just graduated college. Exit college, enter 12 step program with the highest of hopes this would unleash the freedom from thigh hatred that I craved. I craved the freedom to treat my body with respect. Around Step 4 (when you want to scream and run for the hills/ booze/ mall/ cupcake!), I caved and went crawling back to my capsuled promise of fat burning and metabolism boosting poison. Around Step 7 (humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings ie. remove diet pills from the apartment), I flushed those little deceivers down the toilet. Adios! Hurray! Done and done! For now…….

Freshly out of the 12 Steps, I’m on top of the world. I am stronger, diet pill free and living with a greater sense of peace and joy. I feel cleansed of my past struggles and am ready to conquer my dreams of working in entertainment. I land a job as a production assistant on a low budget independent film. During a supply run, I dig into my pockets for some change and mixed in with pennies and lint, I find a lonely white pill that has survived a few trips to the laundromat. A mixture of excitement and fear wash over me.

If you have ever been on a low budget film set the catering options closely resemble the inside of a vending machine. I had eaten more than my share of Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. Consciously choosing to focus on doing a good job at work and not obsess over my eating, I still had anxiety with every bite. But now this discovery was like a miraculous answer to quiet the nagging voice that condemned me with every sweet bite. The feeling of throwing back that pill would give me the control I so badly wanted. I put it back in my pocket.

Over the next few days I kept that pill. At times I slipped my hand into my pocket and twirled it around in my fingers. Somehow having it there was comforting. If there was a true emergency and felt totally fat and pathetic, it would calm my inner chaos.

After several days of this self inflicting torture, I was with some co-workers and relaxing after a long day on set. Maybe it was the confidence and satisfaction I gained while working on a film set. Or maybe I felt secure from the camaraderie I had gained with my fellow crew members. Or maybe all the work I had done during the 12 Steps was actually beginning to take root and produce some real fruit in my life.

I took that little pill out and held it in my hand.

For the first time I looked at that pill and saw it for what it really was-nothing. How had I allowed a little pill to have so much control over me? My mind? My happiness? My health? My future? My dreams? All of a sudden it seemed so silly that I, a smart and talented young woman, had allowed this little thing to rule my life for so long. I had given it too much credit. Believing that this pill held my confidence, acceptance, even my future dreams and what and who I aspired to be.

When I realized that my answer was not a pill but lived within me, it wasn’t hard to let go. Without much more thought, I tossed the pill over my shoulder. That was 10 years ago and I have never held a diet pill since.

Letting go of an addiction is not easy and you should seek professional help. If you live with an addiction here are 3 ways to begin your journey to freedom:

1) Open Up

Being vulnerable takes incredible courage and is never easy. Shame keeps our addiction hidden and tells us we can fix it on our own. I was always afraid to voice my struggles to another person, but whenever I did, freedom was nearby. 12 Step programs are great for this and provide a safe and supportive environment.

2) Forgive Yourself

I lived with a diet pill addiction for 8 years and had build up a lot of regret with the damage I did to myself, the money wasted and consequences that manifested from it. It may take time, but if you forgive yourself you will see that even out of your addiction there can be incredible blessings.

3) Create an Outlet

Journal, meditate, dance, run. Find an outlet to express yourself. When you remove the object of addiction there can be intense vulnerability that is exposed after years of covering it up. You need to channel this into a healthy outlet. If you’ve always wanted to take a painting class, now it the time